The Most Painful Blessing

Guest post by Seth and Amanda Hanford

Many of you may not know this, but Amanda and I started to pursue adoption shortly after moving to Rock Hill. We arrived in August and sought out an attorney in early September. We had been thinking to do this back in Ohio but with the move, we were just nervous about getting things started with the uncertainty of selling a house and moving while part way through such a process.

Some of you we had a chance to tell when we came back to Ohio around Thanksgiving, but one of our early commitments in the process was that, for the sake of the birth mom and the baby, we would not post about it on social media. Unfortunately I'm able to write about it now because the adoption was disrupted. Even still, there are aspects that we won't disclose publicly because of the possibility that the birth mother might change her mind down the road and revisit the reasons she sought out adoption to begin with, and come back to us asking us to adopt this baby after all.

Since November, Amanda had been developing an ongoing relationship with the birth mom, texting and talking a dozen or more times a day. We had been eagerly getting things ready around the house to welcome our new daughter home. Maddie had been practicing all the things a big sister would need to know --ensuring us that when her baby sister arrived, she would be the one to care for her; we wouldn't have to help, because big sisters know what to do. We took a trip to meet our birth mother, and bought her lunch. From all outward signs, she was excited and engaged, ready to and even looking forward to placing her baby with us.

On Friday, we left Maddie with the Gansons and made the trip to be close by because the birth was imminent. On early Saturday morning, our daughter was born. We had some ups and downs because birth can be a little scary at times, but our birth mom's family and friends were welcoming of us and were very supportive and excited for us. Mom and baby were healthy, though, and we settled in to that exciting discomfort of a new baby with, for a few days, two moms. Amanda spent all day Saturday feeding, changing, bonding with, and loving her daughter. The birth mom spent all day Saturday feeding, changing, bonding with, and loving her daughter

But on Sunday, it all fell apart. Despite all of the love and connections we had made in our heart with our daughter, we were asked to leave. Despite all the tears and anger and uncertainty of what the rest of her life would be like, we knew that our daughter would remain with her birth mother. Despite all of the pain and denial, we knew that our daughter was lost to us. An advisor told us this week to grieve with the perspective that an adoption disrupted after birth is more like experiencing a stillbirth or infant death; we agree.

Even still, we are blessed. Throughout the process, our friends and family have been here for us. Our neighbors, whom we've known for just a few short months, have been some of our best companions in this journey. Even though they and our friends from back home didn't KNOW what was happening on Sunday afternoon, we were absolutely bombarded by prayers, emails, text messages of support and comfort. At least 10 people reached out nearly simultaneously on Sunday with words like "Hey, hope things are going well; for some reason right now, you are on my heart and I knew I needed to write to you. Love ya!"

As we come out of this week, we are reminded of two verses:

In John 8, as Jesus is confronted by the Pharisees and the woman caught in adultery, he stood between their rocks and her vulnerability. He bent down next to her and reassured her that He was there. After He dismissed them, He continued to reassure her. Regardless of the fact that she had indeed transgressed against Him, He was her advocate first and foremost. We, likewise, feel that strong call to be our birth mom's advocate and a blessing to her first, even though her ultimate decision has wounded us.

And then in 1 Peter 3, we are reminded that even when we are suffering, we are blessed, because we suffer for righteousness.

We are heartbroken. But our God is bigger than our grief. We are convinced that we were put in our birth mom's life to walk with her through the last months of her pregnancy. We know that we were chosen for this situation because we could handle the loss. We know that our Savior stood with us from the early days, preparing and supporting us for this eventual, painful decision. He moved the hearts of our friends in unison to support us, prompting them to surround us with care and support in our hour of need. We know that He needed us to be an advocate for our birth mom and for her daughter, at great expense to us but for their great blessing.

We will always have a wound from the trial we endured this weekend. We hope that our birth mom and her daughter will have a great life together. We don't know where to go from here, but we know Who is with us, and we are thankful for you and for all those who have helped us to make it through this week.