Guest post by Seth and Amanda Hanford
Many of you may not know this, but Amanda and I started to pursue adoption shortly after moving to Rock Hill. We arrived in August and sought out an attorney in early September. We had been thinking to do this back in Ohio but with the move, we were just nervous about getting things started with the uncertainty of selling a house and moving while part way through such a process.
Some of you we had a chance to tell when we came back to Ohio around Thanksgiving, but one of our early commitments in the process was that, for the sake of the birth mom and the baby, we would not post about it on social media. Unfortunately I'm able to write about it now because the adoption was disrupted. Even still, there are aspects that we won't disclose publicly because of the possibility that the birth mother might change her mind down the road and revisit the reasons she sought out adoption to begin with, and come back to us asking us to adopt this baby after all.
Since November, Amanda had been developing an ongoing relationship with the birth mom, texting and talking a dozen or more times a day. We had been eagerly getting things ready around the house to welcome our new daughter home. Maddie had been practicing all the things a big sister would need to know --ensuring us that when her baby sister arrived, she would be the one to care for her; we wouldn't have to help, because big sisters know what to do. We took a trip to meet our birth mother, and bought her lunch. From all outward signs, she was excited and engaged, ready to and even looking forward to placing her baby with us.
On Friday, we left Maddie with the Gansons and made the trip to be close by because the birth was imminent. On early Saturday morning, our daughter was born. We had some ups and downs because birth can be a little scary at times, but our birth mom's family and friends were welcoming of us and were very supportive and excited for us. Mom and baby were healthy, though, and we settled in to that exciting discomfort of a new baby with, for a few days, two moms. Amanda spent all day Saturday feeding, changing, bonding with, and loving her daughter. The birth mom spent all day Saturday feeding, changing, bonding with, and loving her daughter
But on Sunday, it all fell apart. Despite all of the love and connections we had made in our heart with our daughter, we were asked to leave. Despite all the tears and anger and uncertainty of what the rest of her life would be like, we knew that our daughter would remain with her birth mother. Despite all of the pain and denial, we knew that our daughter was lost to us. An advisor told us this week to grieve with the perspective that an adoption disrupted after birth is more like experiencing a stillbirth or infant death; we agree.
Even still, we are blessed. Throughout the process, our friends and family have been here for us. Our neighbors, whom we've known for just a few short months, have been some of our best companions in this journey. Even though they and our friends from back home didn't KNOW what was happening on Sunday afternoon, we were absolutely bombarded by prayers, emails, text messages of support and comfort. At least 10 people reached out nearly simultaneously on Sunday with words like "Hey, hope things are going well; for some reason right now, you are on my heart and I knew I needed to write to you. Love ya!"
As we come out of this week, we are reminded of two verses:
In John 8, as Jesus is confronted by the Pharisees and the woman caught in adultery, he stood between their rocks and her vulnerability. He bent down next to her and reassured her that He was there. After He dismissed them, He continued to reassure her. Regardless of the fact that she had indeed transgressed against Him, He was her advocate first and foremost. We, likewise, feel that strong call to be our birth mom's advocate and a blessing to her first, even though her ultimate decision has wounded us.
And then in 1 Peter 3, we are reminded that even when we are suffering, we are blessed, because we suffer for righteousness.
We are heartbroken. But our God is bigger than our grief. We are convinced that we were put in our birth mom's life to walk with her through the last months of her pregnancy. We know that we were chosen for this situation because we could handle the loss. We know that our Savior stood with us from the early days, preparing and supporting us for this eventual, painful decision. He moved the hearts of our friends in unison to support us, prompting them to surround us with care and support in our hour of need. We know that He needed us to be an advocate for our birth mom and for her daughter, at great expense to us but for their great blessing.
We will always have a wound from the trial we endured this weekend. We hope that our birth mom and her daughter will have a great life together. We don't know where to go from here, but we know Who is with us, and we are thankful for you and for all those who have helped us to make it through this week.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
An update from the female half...
Since Ben has already shared his latest "deep thoughts", I figured it's my turn to share the stories and details of how things are going. Warning, I am wordier than my husband. (Shocker.)
Quick recap: we've been here for about two and a half months.
Weeks 1 and 2: unpacking, trying to figure out how not to get lost, a little crying (no need to name names...ahem...) and meeting some neighbors. Job search begins.
About 3 weeks in: we started having some new friends over for dinner. More job searching.
At week 4, we left for two weeks to make holiday visits to each of our families. (Although Ben's parents got the short end of the stick since Abby was sick the whole time we visited them, and ended up in the hospital for three days.) We got back to South Carolina and quarantined ourselves for an additional 5 days while Abby totally recovered. (And Ben job searched.)
Around week 7: We had about a week and a half of "normal life", in which we tried to set up a routine and get to know some more folks... and job searched... then Christmas happened in there somewhere ... and then we once again had to quarantine ourselves for a few days while some nasty sinus colds/coughs/earaches ran their course through our home. Ben's parents came down for a quick visit around New Year's. Have I mentioned Ben spent a lot of time job searching?
Last weekend we had to take another "unexpected" trip to Maryland for my grandmother's funeral (as much as that can be "unexpected" for a 92 year old woman who needed to go home!) While we were there, Ben got a call to come in for a job interview.
BUT... we are well into January and I ***THINK*** normal life is right around the corner. Ben has started working part time as a traffic cop through one of the "rich" school systems about 15-20 minutes from here. It's not ideal because it's not quite enough hours to meet our budget, and it will only last through the school year, but it's better than nothing! He works from 7-8:30 in the morning, then again from 2:00-3:30 in the afternoon, so that gives us some time with him during the day, and he can set up coffee meetings around lunchtime. He can get in some good prayer time while waiting for the school buses, and let's not underestimate the cool-factor of telling all the rich cars what to do. ("That's right, Lexus, you'll stop when he tells you to stop!") Plus he has a glow-in-the-dark wand which is kind of like a light saber. :)
Sometimes it feels like we've been here forever and we're like, "why does this move so SLOOOOOWLY????" Because, you know, it takes time for relationships to form and grow. And then at other times we realize we haven't been here all that long, and despite the "random busyness" of the past couple of months, we have undoubtedly seen God lining up some divine encounters with people.
For instance, the week before Christmas, I woke up on a Wednesday and really felt like I wanted to take the younger kids to the local Children's Museum for storytime. I asked Ben if he wanted to go and he was like, "Eh, it's just going to be stay-at-home Moms. You go, and I'll take Micah to the library to work on some homeschool." So that's what we did. I walked into the museum (which is really more like a big, cool playroom), and was like "jackpot!" If you are a stay-at-home Mom and you want to meet people, this was the place to be. There were probably 30 + women trying to wrangle their toddlers into their laps to hear the story, and I immediately felt drawn to one lady in particular with a little girl the same age as Abby. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, and planned a playdate. After we left the museum, we walked over to the library. There was only one other person in the children's section besides Ben and Micah, and it happened to be a stay-at-home Dad who moved from Ohio last year. He's also one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet once you get him talking. Before we left the library, we all made a "date" to meet him and his 5 young kids (2 sets of twins!) at the science museum that Friday. I don't think the science museum workers knew what hit them. :) Anyway, we really like this guy and his family... I'm hoping we can have them all over for dinner soon.
And about the Mommy friend I met... I was at her house this past week, and the topic of "church" came up. Come to find out she grew up in a church but never really "connected" with it. When I asked what kind of church it was she started out by saying, "Most people have never heard of it. It's called Mennonite." I assured her that I've heard of it. :) I think this is another person I could really enjoy getting to know.
Another thing we did right before Christmas was walk around and hand out cookies to all our neighbors. We got to meet a few more people this way, and we're thinking the group of houses directly connected to our's will be great to have some cook-outs with this summer, since they all seem like pretty laid-back folks who like to "shoot the breeze". It also helps that we all share a backyard. (Side note... about 8 houses down, a big guy came to the door with no shirt on and peeked through the door before opening it. He was like, "Oh cool. I was just making sure it wasn't the cops." Okay. Note to self....)
We've also been encouraged lately by a couple of Rock Hill people who discovered our church's webpage online. One couple used to be involved with a Vineyard in Ohio before they moved to South Carolina, and we instantly "clicked" with them when we met. We're not sure what God's plan is yet with how this couple will be involved with us, but my goodness, have they been a joy to us.
Another guy named Khon found and emailed us at the prompting of his brother who attends the Columbus Vineyard. We had him over for dinner this past Tuesday, and it felt like the Holy Spirit just came and resided with us the entire evening. Khon is from Laos and became a Christian about a year and a half ago, after trying Buddhism for a while. He has a crazy busy schedule as an engineer and is starting his own business, but he has read the Bible through multiple times this past year and is constantly in prayer and worship. It's like the Lord is taking him through "spiritual boot camp." It was such a huge encouragement to sit with him, hear his story, pray together, and dream. At some point during the evening, he said, "Do you guys ever feel emotional when you think about the Lord? Like the Holy Spirit is just so sweet you feel like crying and it feels like you've got tingles all over your head and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up?" We assured him that's the presence of the Lord, and he said, "That's how I've felt since I've walked into your house." Thank you, Lord. May that be the experience of everyone who steps foot in here.
This past week we crossed two milestones: we had our first "native" Rock Hiller come to a Wednesday community group, and us girls had another "native" come to our "micro-group" on Saturday morning. (When you see "micro-group", you can read it as "excuse for Moms to get together and drink coffee without the kids." Actually, the guys and girls take turns on Saturday mornings getting together, and it's been some really, really good time of deep discipleship and encouragement.)
For the most part, we're still trying to feel out what we're supposed to be doing here. We know God called us here, and so we know he has people planned for us. He's already at work. Our job is to keep meeting people and loving them, and pray. I was reminded of something I read in a "Mom book" a while back... that an apple tree doesn't worry about what's going to happen to its apples; it just keeps producing fruit. Someone might come pick every apple and make it all into applesauce or apple pies... or most of the apples might just fall to the ground and rot or get eaten by animals... and maybe a few eventually turn into trees, but a lot also just seem to be wasted. But that's okay, because we're supposed to just keep producing fruit (or better said, letting the Lord produce fruit in us) and he'll worry about where it falls or how it is used. So as we keep meeting and getting to know people, we're aware that some of these folks may never choose to follow Jesus. Some folks may follow Jesus and never be apart of "our" church. Some folks may be sent to us to build Vineyard Church of Rock Hill. But it's freeing to know that none of that is really "up to us", and it allows us to just love and enjoy people unconditionally, no strings attached, instead of turning them into some sort of "project."
Speaking of fruit, God spoke another lesson to me this week through my children. With being gone most of last weekend, it felt like we jumped into a busy week without much rest... Monday through Wednesday it was like we hit the ground running in the morning and kept working after the kids were in bed. We had plans each evening, and just had a lot of "extra stuff" like playdates scheduled during the day that threw off the "normal to-do list" (and... for those who don't know me, I kind of like my structures and schedules. Monday is grocery shopping day, people. If I don't go on Monday, I don't know when to work it in. That's how I roll.)
So Wednesday afternoon while I was working in the kitchen, I started getting that tight-chested feeling, and I had all these thoughts running through my head of what I needed to do. We're realizing that with Ben starting this job and hopefully finding another to go with it, we'll be using most of our evenings every week to host people in our home, and life will just keep getting busier the closer we get to starting Sunday morning gatherings. So I stood there praying, "Lord, am I going to have enough emotional and physical energy to get through these first years? Can I sustain this kind of schedule?" And Abby comes over asking for "gapes". So I pluck off some grapes for her. Then Micah wants grapes, so I pluck them off for him. Then Caleb comes over and wants grapes, but "like these", pointing to a cluster. "Like what?" "Like with the stick still on." "Oh, like the ones that are still... " In my head it pops: ABIDING. That's how we're going to make it through the craziness and uncertainty of church-planting: by abiding in Christ.
So please continue to pray for us. For continued guidance with jobs, for divine encounters, for sustainable schedules, and that we would, above all, abide.
(One last note: Your prayers certainly worked for our teammates, the Buchers. Last you heard from us, they were trying to find a job and a house. This past week, we actually prayed that Karl's work would ease up a little because he's gotten so many hours, and a couple weeks ago they moved into a great house that seems strategically located in downtown Rock Hill. We know your prayers are heard, and our Father is always good. Thank you!!!)
Quick recap: we've been here for about two and a half months.
Weeks 1 and 2: unpacking, trying to figure out how not to get lost, a little crying (no need to name names...ahem...) and meeting some neighbors. Job search begins.
About 3 weeks in: we started having some new friends over for dinner. More job searching.
At week 4, we left for two weeks to make holiday visits to each of our families. (Although Ben's parents got the short end of the stick since Abby was sick the whole time we visited them, and ended up in the hospital for three days.) We got back to South Carolina and quarantined ourselves for an additional 5 days while Abby totally recovered. (And Ben job searched.)
Around week 7: We had about a week and a half of "normal life", in which we tried to set up a routine and get to know some more folks... and job searched... then Christmas happened in there somewhere ... and then we once again had to quarantine ourselves for a few days while some nasty sinus colds/coughs/earaches ran their course through our home. Ben's parents came down for a quick visit around New Year's. Have I mentioned Ben spent a lot of time job searching?
Last weekend we had to take another "unexpected" trip to Maryland for my grandmother's funeral (as much as that can be "unexpected" for a 92 year old woman who needed to go home!) While we were there, Ben got a call to come in for a job interview.
BUT... we are well into January and I ***THINK*** normal life is right around the corner. Ben has started working part time as a traffic cop through one of the "rich" school systems about 15-20 minutes from here. It's not ideal because it's not quite enough hours to meet our budget, and it will only last through the school year, but it's better than nothing! He works from 7-8:30 in the morning, then again from 2:00-3:30 in the afternoon, so that gives us some time with him during the day, and he can set up coffee meetings around lunchtime. He can get in some good prayer time while waiting for the school buses, and let's not underestimate the cool-factor of telling all the rich cars what to do. ("That's right, Lexus, you'll stop when he tells you to stop!") Plus he has a glow-in-the-dark wand which is kind of like a light saber. :)
Sometimes it feels like we've been here forever and we're like, "why does this move so SLOOOOOWLY????" Because, you know, it takes time for relationships to form and grow. And then at other times we realize we haven't been here all that long, and despite the "random busyness" of the past couple of months, we have undoubtedly seen God lining up some divine encounters with people.
For instance, the week before Christmas, I woke up on a Wednesday and really felt like I wanted to take the younger kids to the local Children's Museum for storytime. I asked Ben if he wanted to go and he was like, "Eh, it's just going to be stay-at-home Moms. You go, and I'll take Micah to the library to work on some homeschool." So that's what we did. I walked into the museum (which is really more like a big, cool playroom), and was like "jackpot!" If you are a stay-at-home Mom and you want to meet people, this was the place to be. There were probably 30 + women trying to wrangle their toddlers into their laps to hear the story, and I immediately felt drawn to one lady in particular with a little girl the same age as Abby. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, and planned a playdate. After we left the museum, we walked over to the library. There was only one other person in the children's section besides Ben and Micah, and it happened to be a stay-at-home Dad who moved from Ohio last year. He's also one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet once you get him talking. Before we left the library, we all made a "date" to meet him and his 5 young kids (2 sets of twins!) at the science museum that Friday. I don't think the science museum workers knew what hit them. :) Anyway, we really like this guy and his family... I'm hoping we can have them all over for dinner soon.
And about the Mommy friend I met... I was at her house this past week, and the topic of "church" came up. Come to find out she grew up in a church but never really "connected" with it. When I asked what kind of church it was she started out by saying, "Most people have never heard of it. It's called Mennonite." I assured her that I've heard of it. :) I think this is another person I could really enjoy getting to know.
Another thing we did right before Christmas was walk around and hand out cookies to all our neighbors. We got to meet a few more people this way, and we're thinking the group of houses directly connected to our's will be great to have some cook-outs with this summer, since they all seem like pretty laid-back folks who like to "shoot the breeze". It also helps that we all share a backyard. (Side note... about 8 houses down, a big guy came to the door with no shirt on and peeked through the door before opening it. He was like, "Oh cool. I was just making sure it wasn't the cops." Okay. Note to self....)
We've also been encouraged lately by a couple of Rock Hill people who discovered our church's webpage online. One couple used to be involved with a Vineyard in Ohio before they moved to South Carolina, and we instantly "clicked" with them when we met. We're not sure what God's plan is yet with how this couple will be involved with us, but my goodness, have they been a joy to us.
Another guy named Khon found and emailed us at the prompting of his brother who attends the Columbus Vineyard. We had him over for dinner this past Tuesday, and it felt like the Holy Spirit just came and resided with us the entire evening. Khon is from Laos and became a Christian about a year and a half ago, after trying Buddhism for a while. He has a crazy busy schedule as an engineer and is starting his own business, but he has read the Bible through multiple times this past year and is constantly in prayer and worship. It's like the Lord is taking him through "spiritual boot camp." It was such a huge encouragement to sit with him, hear his story, pray together, and dream. At some point during the evening, he said, "Do you guys ever feel emotional when you think about the Lord? Like the Holy Spirit is just so sweet you feel like crying and it feels like you've got tingles all over your head and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up?" We assured him that's the presence of the Lord, and he said, "That's how I've felt since I've walked into your house." Thank you, Lord. May that be the experience of everyone who steps foot in here.
This past week we crossed two milestones: we had our first "native" Rock Hiller come to a Wednesday community group, and us girls had another "native" come to our "micro-group" on Saturday morning. (When you see "micro-group", you can read it as "excuse for Moms to get together and drink coffee without the kids." Actually, the guys and girls take turns on Saturday mornings getting together, and it's been some really, really good time of deep discipleship and encouragement.)
For the most part, we're still trying to feel out what we're supposed to be doing here. We know God called us here, and so we know he has people planned for us. He's already at work. Our job is to keep meeting people and loving them, and pray. I was reminded of something I read in a "Mom book" a while back... that an apple tree doesn't worry about what's going to happen to its apples; it just keeps producing fruit. Someone might come pick every apple and make it all into applesauce or apple pies... or most of the apples might just fall to the ground and rot or get eaten by animals... and maybe a few eventually turn into trees, but a lot also just seem to be wasted. But that's okay, because we're supposed to just keep producing fruit (or better said, letting the Lord produce fruit in us) and he'll worry about where it falls or how it is used. So as we keep meeting and getting to know people, we're aware that some of these folks may never choose to follow Jesus. Some folks may follow Jesus and never be apart of "our" church. Some folks may be sent to us to build Vineyard Church of Rock Hill. But it's freeing to know that none of that is really "up to us", and it allows us to just love and enjoy people unconditionally, no strings attached, instead of turning them into some sort of "project."
Speaking of fruit, God spoke another lesson to me this week through my children. With being gone most of last weekend, it felt like we jumped into a busy week without much rest... Monday through Wednesday it was like we hit the ground running in the morning and kept working after the kids were in bed. We had plans each evening, and just had a lot of "extra stuff" like playdates scheduled during the day that threw off the "normal to-do list" (and... for those who don't know me, I kind of like my structures and schedules. Monday is grocery shopping day, people. If I don't go on Monday, I don't know when to work it in. That's how I roll.)
So Wednesday afternoon while I was working in the kitchen, I started getting that tight-chested feeling, and I had all these thoughts running through my head of what I needed to do. We're realizing that with Ben starting this job and hopefully finding another to go with it, we'll be using most of our evenings every week to host people in our home, and life will just keep getting busier the closer we get to starting Sunday morning gatherings. So I stood there praying, "Lord, am I going to have enough emotional and physical energy to get through these first years? Can I sustain this kind of schedule?" And Abby comes over asking for "gapes". So I pluck off some grapes for her. Then Micah wants grapes, so I pluck them off for him. Then Caleb comes over and wants grapes, but "like these", pointing to a cluster. "Like what?" "Like with the stick still on." "Oh, like the ones that are still... " In my head it pops: ABIDING. That's how we're going to make it through the craziness and uncertainty of church-planting: by abiding in Christ.
So please continue to pray for us. For continued guidance with jobs, for divine encounters, for sustainable schedules, and that we would, above all, abide.
(One last note: Your prayers certainly worked for our teammates, the Buchers. Last you heard from us, they were trying to find a job and a house. This past week, we actually prayed that Karl's work would ease up a little because he's gotten so many hours, and a couple weeks ago they moved into a great house that seems strategically located in downtown Rock Hill. We know your prayers are heard, and our Father is always good. Thank you!!!)
Friday, January 17, 2014
A Good Dad
One of the consistent things God has been reminding me over the past year is- he is a very good Dad.
Regardless of how good your dad was growing up, God is much, much better. He is all of your dad's best qualities times a million. He is constantly looking out for us. He loves to provide for us. He is pleased with us. He loves being around us. He doesn't manipulate us, He doesn't have any hidden agendas, He doesn't have any ulterior motives, He is not burdened by us.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Martin Luther- "Prayer is not overcoming God's reluctance. It is laying hold of His willingness." That has stuck with me because I have a tendency to view prayer and many other aspects of my relationship with God as an attempt to convince God to bless me. Sometimes I even have the feeling that I need to change God's mind or bend His will in my favor (or in the favor of the person I am praying for).
But in reality that mindset has nothing to do with the gospel. It is paganism, not Christianity. Paganism says if I offer the right sacrifice... enough sacrifice, the right kind, and in the right way, my god will bless me. But the beauty is, this isn't how the Bible portrays God. He loves us, He is in favor of us, He is pleased to give us the kingdom.
He is a good Dad. We can trust Him with every detail of our lives. We don't have to "guard" what we say to Him because He is on our side. We don't have to gain His approval, bend His will, or overcome His reluctance.
This is one of my main desires in church planting. To help people realize how great our Dad is and to walk in that truth. When we know how good He is, it changes everything.
Regardless of how good your dad was growing up, God is much, much better. He is all of your dad's best qualities times a million. He is constantly looking out for us. He loves to provide for us. He is pleased with us. He loves being around us. He doesn't manipulate us, He doesn't have any hidden agendas, He doesn't have any ulterior motives, He is not burdened by us.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Martin Luther- "Prayer is not overcoming God's reluctance. It is laying hold of His willingness." That has stuck with me because I have a tendency to view prayer and many other aspects of my relationship with God as an attempt to convince God to bless me. Sometimes I even have the feeling that I need to change God's mind or bend His will in my favor (or in the favor of the person I am praying for).
But in reality that mindset has nothing to do with the gospel. It is paganism, not Christianity. Paganism says if I offer the right sacrifice... enough sacrifice, the right kind, and in the right way, my god will bless me. But the beauty is, this isn't how the Bible portrays God. He loves us, He is in favor of us, He is pleased to give us the kingdom.
He is a good Dad. We can trust Him with every detail of our lives. We don't have to "guard" what we say to Him because He is on our side. We don't have to gain His approval, bend His will, or overcome His reluctance.
This is one of my main desires in church planting. To help people realize how great our Dad is and to walk in that truth. When we know how good He is, it changes everything.
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